032609

Army-Sway

What Depression?
by Catherine Swarmy

Honestly, I don’t know why everyone keeps saying that America is in the grips of an economic crisis — I’m richer now than I have ever been!  Yes, I have been known to lay a little green down, and I must confess, I always have come up a big winner.  See, I think you just have to know the right people.  Like that Bernard Madoff fellow.  I met him a couple of years ago on my MySpace page, and we really hit it off, if you know what I mean.  I mean, he was a happily married man, but apparently that ring can’t choke off the old Swarmy charm. I gave him fourteen hundred dollars and he turned around and turned it into 14 million.  Financial genius.  I don’t know what these other people are complaining about.  Tough luck, Charlie, huh?

I know what you’re thinking, Catherine fourteen million is chicken feed — it’s certainly not rich, per se.  Well, you are right.  After my initial success with Bernard Madoff,  I thought, you know what, this investing is a snap, why do I need this other guy pulling the strings?  The answer was, I don’t.  Using my keen powers of knowing what’s “in” and what’s “out”, I deduced that the 1930s were due to make a grand return, so I invested my money in Talkies, Jell-O, and Hoovervilles.

And wouldn’t you know it, my Hooverville futures shot through the roof late last year!  I hate to toot my own horn, but I think that I may never have to work ever again.  I know, what a relief, right?  I’m thinking of investing in mass graves next.  What do you think?

FILE UNDER: SWARMY SPEAKS, MADOFF, FAT CHICKENS