by Catherine Swarmy
Honestly, I don’t know why everyone keeps saying that America is in the grips of an economic crisis — I’m richer now than I have ever been! Yes, I have been known to lay a little green down, and I must confess, I always have come up a big winner. See, I think you just have to know the right people. Like that Bernard Madoff fellow. I met him a couple of years ago on my MySpace page, and we really hit it off, if you know what I mean. I mean, he was a happily married man, but apparently that ring can’t choke off the old Swarmy charm. I gave him fourteen hundred dollars and he turned around and turned it into 14 million. Financial genius. I don’t know what these other people are complaining about. Tough luck, Charlie, huh?
I know what you’re thinking, Catherine fourteen million is chicken feed — it’s certainly not rich, per se. Well, you are right. After my initial success with Bernard Madoff, I thought, you know what, this investing is a snap, why do I need this other guy pulling the strings? The answer was, I don’t. Using my keen powers of knowing what’s “in” and what’s “out”, I deduced that the 1930s were due to make a grand return, so I invested my money in Talkies, Jell-O, and Hoovervilles.
And wouldn’t you know it, my Hooverville futures shot through the roof late last year! I hate to toot my own horn, but I think that I may never have to work ever again. I know, what a relief, right? I’m thinking of investing in mass graves next. What do you think?
FILE UNDER: SWARMY SPEAKS, MADOFF, FAT CHICKENS