Catherine Swarmy

 

Catherine Swarmy began life in [YEAR REDACTED] the daughter of wealthy industrialist and beekeeper Vernon VanDyne, and Marguerite Bouchard, an obscure Parisian fashion model you never heard of. One sister, Janet, trailed Catherine before Marguerite died in a mysterious boating accident off of Martha’s Vineyard in 195[REDACTED], the subject of which was later used as the basis of an episode of The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries.

Catherine debuted in [YEAR REDACTED] and was crowned Hartford’s “debutante of the year.” (That was the year everyone else came down with rickets.) Shunning hometown Yale, and shunned by Harvard, Catherine took up with Bryn Mawr College in eastern Pennsylvania, where she concentrated on the dubiously useful acedmic major of Quebecois French literature. After graduation in [YEAR REDACTED], Catherine took a year off to study art history in Paris. In Paris, she contracted rickets.

Catherine returned to the States in 1965 to fulfill her dream of living in glamorous New York City, right when the city started turning really gross. Professionally, Catherine picked up assignments writing for The New Yorker, Vanity Fair (which was dormant at the time), and Vogue. Catherine felt she was in the “jet set” of 1960’s New York, putting in scads of appearances at parties with such notable friends as Truman Capote, Lee Radziwill, and Roy Cohn. In 1967, Catherine met artist Andy Warhol and starred, along with Radziwill, in his film Yummy, Yummy, Yummy. (During the filming of Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, Catherine transmitted rickets to Paul Morrissey.) Nineteen Sixty-eight found Catherine the editor of Serbian Vogue, the Yugoslavian subsidiary of the famous French periodical. Catherine lived in Belgrade until late 1969, at which time she was shipped back to the States in a steamer trunk by the Serbian Anna Wintour.

It was in New York, 1970, that Catherine met her first husband, Professor of Art at NYU, Judge Blackthorn. When Blackthorn accepted a job at University of California at Berkeley, the pair packed up and moved to California, and were married there a short time later, in January of 1972. Catherine bore her first daughter, Justine, in December of 1972.

Catherine briefly worked for French television in the Summer of 1973 as the star of La Programme de Marie Tyler Antoinette. After the show’s cancellation, Catherine returned to California and bore her second child, Elizabeth (“Betty”, named after family friend Lauren Bacal), in June 1974. During this period, Catherine was more interested in amassing wealth and possessions than being a latched to hippy deadweight Judge. Catherine filed for divorce after the birth of Jane in April, 1980.

Catherine did not wait long to remarry, as she “fell in love” with wealthy fiberglass industrialist Richard Swarmy in 1982, and married in 1983. The Swarmys, with Catherine’s daughters in tow, moved into an estate in Yuba City, CA, where Dick’s business was headquartered. Though Catherine despised the small minded, small moneyed town, she would take frequent leave at every chance; vacations to New York or Saint-Tropez or Milan on Dick’s dime were made with alarming recurrence. Money actually became a moot point for Catherine in 1987, as she turned [AGE REDACTED], and inherited the bulk of her dead father’s estate. Talk about a deus ex machina! Sadly, Catherine was too far gone in the ol’ melon by this the time of her investiture. Ever obsessed with the dough, Catherine flew into many schemes of the “hair-brained” and “get rich quick” variety” to virtually assure a comfortable life for herself. She neglected her daughters, not even aware that Betty ran away from home until months afterward. When she did pay attention to her daughters, it was undoubtedly to fill them with “maternal” advice on marrying into wealthy families.

When her husband Dick went missing in 1997, Catherine was obsessed. Not with finding her dear husband, rather making sure that she would not run out of money with the “breadwinner” out of the picture. Catherine went back to work, writing articles and editorials for anyone willing to pay her fee. Most notable was her work on The Elm Street Journal, which Catherine joined in late 1997. It was through ESJ that Catherine was reborn, gaining a new life and a new cadre of fans worldwide, first in the print edition in the paper and, since 2000, on the internet, of all places.

Catherine was set to inherit Dick’s estate in 2004 when he finally turned up alive and well. Seems Dick was living in the downstairs guest room, with the help of Catherine’s shifty butler Winston, the whole time. Catherine was set to divorce her husband when Dick became a lounge singer at age sixty-five and threw Catherine out of the house so he could bring home senior citizen groupies with a clear conscience.

Today, Catherine Van Dyne Blackthorn Swarmy, now approaching the age of [REDACTED], lives in New York or San Francisco, or wherever, with her shady butler Winston and her god damned dog, Rickets.