by Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY)

“I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it anymo’, mo’.”  Waaaaa-ooooo! Now play “Sweet Jane”!  Sweeeeet Jaaaaane!!

No, no, no, no, I’m fi..fine, IIIIi, am not…What did you say?  What  diiiiid you call me?  What?  How can you say…I am not drunk!  I am not!  You’re drunk!  You’rrrrrre the one who is drunk, and you, you sicken me.  Thaaat’s right.  You fuckin’ make me sick, you fuckin’ asshole, you…listen to this, listen to me!  Are you lsitening?  No!  No you’re not, listen to me!  You are drunk and you are a fuuucking assssshole.

What?  You want me to keep what down?  I thought this was a bar, woooOOO!  This si what people do when they have fun.  What you think that just because you’re behind that bar you’re Queen of England?  You’re NOT the Queen of England!  I have met the Queen of England, and she’s not you, so stop it with yoooour lying. Lying makes you looooook so ugly.  I am gonna be the president, so you should shut up and give me the fuckin’ respect and an’uther shot.

Heyyyyy,you with with the Waaashington Post, you Woodward Bernstein, yoooou’ve been bustin; my balls for months, and I want to tell you what I really think of you.  No, Bill, get the FUCK!!!! out of my way, this little fucker has it coming to him.  Bill, get your FUCKING hands off of me.  You Woodstern, yooooou are fuckin; three sheets to the wind, whooooo the FUCK are you to call me drunk.  I’m going to piss on your head,  Bill, hold this motherfucker down while I piss ooooooon his head.

I’m what?  I’m drunk?  I’m not fucking drunk.  Who are you?  Just who ARE you?  A bouncer? I’ll bounce you, I’ll bounce you in your fucking soul! You’re fuckin’ drunk, I’m not drunk.  You can eat shit, I’m drunk, ha ha, that’s rich!  I’m going to be president, and you’ll regret calling me dr–whoa, hey, get your hands off of me!  I am a Senator, I am Sen’tor Hillary Rooooodham Clinton, I will be be manhandled by no man!    I’m going to fuckin’ punch you in the fuckin; dick, you meathead neanderthal.  I am!!  Fuck you, “I’m drunk!”

Oh.  Officer.  Good.  This man…I want this man arrested.  I want to press charges!  He tried to physically cause me physical harm and he’s…No, I am not the one who is drunk here, this whole world is drunk!  This whole world has to be drunk!   I will be the nexxxxt president of the Younited Staates.  No, I’m not driving.  I don’t know who is. 

Spry young widow Nancy Reagan, 114, being attended to by her son, Sen. John McCain , 106. The former First Lady and famous Hollywood entertainer endorsed the Arizona Republican for president.  The endorsement prompted Clinton advisor James Carville to brand Mrs. Reagan as “Jezebel.”

Recently, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) has been confronted with allegations that she embellished some details of a 1997 visit to Bosnia when she serving as First Lady.  When video of her visit didn’t match her recent recollections of the event that she has been recalling on the campaign trail was unearthed, Mrs. Clinton’s campaign claimed that Mrs. Clinton had been sleep-deprived and “misspoke”.  In order to avoid such an embarrassment in the future, the Clinton campaign released this list of other things Mrs. Clinton has misspoke about.

• ·      It doesn’t actually take a village; just a couple of huts will do.
• ·      She is not happy to be here today; her and the mayor are not actually good friends.
• ·      That vast right wing conspiracy?  It was just Rush Limbaugh, his maid, and a couple of shifty dudes in wife-beaters.
• ·      The American people are actually not tired of “liars and people pretending to be something they are not.”
• ·      She didn’t invent the hula hoop.
• ·      Certs is not a breath mint; Certs is a candy mint.
• ·      Sinbad is, in fact, not a comedian.
• ·      As it turns out, the camera doesn’t actually add ten pounds.
• ·      That whole thing about being bamboozled by that idiot president of ours and voting to give him the power to invade a sovereign nation on blatant lies?  Yeah, she meant to say “no” to that one.
• ·      She actually can believe it’s not butter.

by Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)

MY FRIENDS, WHERE IS MY SCREWDRIVER? TIMMY, JIMMY, MARTHA, PEGGY SUE, PATRICK, ALL OF YOU KIDS, GRANDPA HAS GOT SOMETHING TO ASK ALL OF YOU.  NOW, I KNOW THAT I GAVE ONE OF YOU, MARTHA, BELINDA, JOHN MCCAIN IV, THE FLAT HEAD SCREWDRIVER.  NOW, GRANDPA IS NOT SURE, BUT ONE OF YOU KIDS, I GAVE IT TO ONE OF YOU KIDS TO GIVE TO GRANDMA IN ORDER TO JOBBER THE LID OFF THOSE PERSIMMON PRESERVES WE ALL ENJOYED SO MUCH AFTER SUPPER LAST NIGHT.  WELL, MY FRIENDS, I’M AFRAID GRANDPA CAN’T REMEMBER IF HE GOT THAT SCREWDRIVER BACK.  HAVE YOU SEEN IT, REGGIE, CLARA, MARTHA?  IT WAS A FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER, MY FRIENDS.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?  THAT’S RIGHT MARION, LINDA, CHARLIE, MARTHA, IT MEANS THAT THE HEAD OF THE SCREWDRIVER IS STRAIGHT ACROSS, NOT SHAPED LIKE A CROSS.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ONES IS CALLED?  A WERTHER’S ORIGINAL CANDY FOR BOY OR GIRL WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THAT ONE IS CALLED.  NO, MARTHA, IT’S NOT A T-SQUARE.  THAT’S RIGHT, THEODORE,  IT’S CALLED A PHILLIPS HEAD.  HERE’S YOUR CANDY.  BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, MARTHA.  WHEN GRANDPA WAS A KID…NOW, THE TWO OF YOU, HUSH YOUR GUMS, GRANDPA IS TELLING YOU A STORY.  WHEN GRANDPA WAS A BOY, WE CALLED THE PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER A FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER, AND WHAT WE CALL A FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER NOW WE CALLED A SLOTTED-HEAD SCREWDRIVER.  WHEN THIS BIG CHANGE-OVER HAPPENED GRANDPA DOESN’T KNOW.  I MISSED A FEW YEARS HERE AND THERE.  ALL GRANDPA REMEMBERS IS WALKING INTO OLD MAN BURLEY’S HARDWARE STORE ON MARKET STREET IN 1978 AND ASKING CHARLEY BURLEY FOR A STANLEY FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER AND BEING HANDED A STANLEY SLOTTED-HEAD SCREWDRIVER INSTEAD.  I JUST STOOD THERE CONFUSED FOR FORTY MINUTES, SCRATCHING MY HEAD.  IS THIS WHAT OUR COUNTRY HAD BECOME, I SAID TO MYSELF.  GRANDPA TRIED HIS BEST TO MAKE THAT SCREWDRIVER WORK, BUT IN THE END, I HAD TO RETURN IT.  UNFORTUNATELY FOR GRANDPA, MY FRIENDS, CURLY SUE, JEANETTE, RICKY, ELVIS, I DIDN’T KEEP THE RECEIPT.  BUT BACK IN THOSE DAYS, OLD MAN BURLEY DIDN’T MIND MAKING EXCEPTIONS.  I AHVE A FEELING THAT OLD MAN BURLEY WOULD HAVE MADE THAT EXCHANGE FOR ME EVEN IF WE HADN’T HAVE GONE TO GRAMMAR SCHOOL TOGETHER.  NOW, HA HA, NOW THAT’S NOT SOMETHING YOU WOULD SEE TODAY, MY FRIENDS.  I WOULD PROBABLY BE THROWN OUT ON MY TUSH TODAY IF I TRIED TO RETURN THAT SCREWDRIVER TODAY.    MY FRIENDS, NANCY, MIKE, CARL, MARTHA, IT IS THIS SCREWDRIVER I BOUGHT THIRTY YEARS AGO THAT I AM SEARCHING FOR TODAY.  HAVE YOU SEEN IT?