Me again?? I know, right? Why, in the bygone days of old, I would most likely have waited six months between the last correspondence and the one you’re peepin’ presently, but under the teaching is of my new spiritual guru, William J. Clinton, ESQ,  I am learning to give in to my impulses and, y’know, do whatever I want, when ever I want. I KNOW, IT’S LIBERATING.

In investigating the Riverbank Pizza Yelp post from earlier today, I came across one very remarkable local Colusa reviewer who I thought needed to be singled out for very special ESJ special attention.  His name is “Roger D.” and his review rating is an astonishing ONE STAR EACH for FOURTEEN TOTAL REVIEWS.  Astonishing! I kinda want to hire this guy to write for us.

Anyway, I would like to copy/paste his entire Yelp review repertoire for you now.

NOTE: all items are copy and pasted in context, because it’s more funny that way.

Country Stop (convenience store):

4/28/2011
What a freakin’ dump. Roches-mice- greese and dirt.

But it’s a nouvelle roche.

4/28/2011
It is a drug infested dump, good luck. I don’t know why anybody would risk their life going in there.

 

Because drug addicts are easy to grift, Roger! I thought you were from Colusa.

Riverbank Pizza (best pizza parlor on the planet, probably):

4/28/2011
I ate there 1 time, greesy little flat cardboard thing….whoopy! It was to expensive too!

 

That was the box!

The diner inside the Colusa Casino (????????): 

4/28/2011
OOhh yum , bagged soup and wilted lettuce and the worst food I have ever ate!

 

BUT THEN:

5/3/2011
OHHH, flagging by colusa casino staff if it isn’t a good review too. I have eatin’ there, it isn’t worth the gobbs of money you have to spend.

 

Okay, well, why don’t we get out of Colusa for a l’il bit and head over to Williams and see what Roger has to say about famous truckstop/giftshop/diner Granzellas:

5/5/2011

Lets see $4.50 beer, for a guiness???What a laugh. The biggest laugh is a $3.50 Coors, thats a $3.19 profit on keg beer per glass.

People always complain about high prices everywhere they go…this is why…highway robbery.

 

LITERALLY!! Right?

But then, just to drive the point home:

5/15/2011
Keep on driving another hour south and have a pick of hundreds of nice places in sacramento or vacaville. Your in highway robbery vile here. Just a local yokal with you back covered, don’t believe me, just come on in said the spider to the fly.

 

Well that’s fuckin’ cryptic.

Lou’s Cairo (Williams steakhouse):

5/5/2011
It is over rated. I have eaten good steaks before and these are ho hum…nutin special.

These steaks so boring!! I even fall asleep even thinking of giving them two stars!! HO HUM.

La Fortuna Bakery (Williams bakery):

5/5/2011

They’re closed!

 

One star!!

 Colusa Casino Resort (gambling establishment):

5/6/2011

This is the worst indian casino around, let me tell you…go to cashe creek, much nicer. If your here with your husband during duck season??? Your lying, its a rouge folks, these people post fake yelps all the time…look at all the stars!!!

 

Oh those rouge skin folks!

Jackpot (famous Colusa landmark):

5/6/2011

It’s a GAS station, not a restaurant…can you say “AM-PM”, but worse!!

 

Fake yellpin’!!

And how did Roger find himself in SanFrancisco’s famed Tenderloin??  He was in “THE CITY” on May 6th when he had an unfortunate incident at Tomies Market:

5/6/2011

This one gave me the runs…..really, something about rainbow colored meat gave me the dirty squirties. Messed my undies bad!!
Do your self a flavor and floor it driving pass this pig with lipstick.

 

Oh, fine.

Twisted River Cafe – CLOSED:

5/6/2011
The losers stiffed the landlord of 6 months of rent and squatted on the property….Shameful indigents….

in·di·gent – adj \ˈin-di-jənt\
1 : suffering from extreme poverty : impoverished

And finally - Picket Fence Antiques and Collectables (Colusa antique store):

5/6/2011

If you can’t believe there are racist people in the world, get a load of this bunch with there civil war relics and black aunt jaminia and uncle tom collection. the owners are mean and snapped at me when i asked about the stuff.

 

Plus all this racist shit was dusty and OLD. And it was wayyyyyyyyy overpriced. If they made racist relics now you could get em at Walmart for next to nothin’. Ho hum.

FILE UNDER: A NAME BRAND SLEEP AID THAT WOULD ATTRACT SPAM BOTS TO THIS SITE, SQUIRTS

What do you think of when I say “over the top?”  No, it’s not a sexy sex term, pervert.

FROM A REVIEW ON YELP:

This is classic “generic American” pizza at it’s absolute best. If you want the best NY-style pizza, go to NY, if you want the best “California” Pizza, go have fun driving in LA . . and if you want pizza that tastes as good as you always wished all other unpretentious middle-American pizzas actually tasted, you come to Colusa county, CA.

How many times have you seen a billboard, menu photo, or flier for some random middle-of-the-road pizza joint, and the photo looks delicious – - but no matter how hungry you are, the taste of the actual pie never quite lives up to how good you hoped and dreamed it would?  Well, once you taste a slice of pepperoni at Riverbank, you’ll realize what crap you’ve been settling for all these years.

A Riverbank pie is a three-prong attack: a marinara that is sweeter and tangier than you’ll find elsewhere without tasting at all artificial (go ahead and ask for extra sauce in the pie, it’s that good), a chewy flower-kissed crust that succeeds by being good enough to eat on it’s own (a little butter, garlic, and olive oil and it’s a meal unto-itself), and a blanket of molten mozzarella cheese that sandwiches in the sauce without overdoing things.

I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life trying to convince myself that this pizza really isn’t as good as I’ve always known it was.  I grew up in Colusa county, and remember when Riverbank Pizza actually was a tiny shack right on the banks of the Sacramento river (it’s a few blocks from the river now). . . So I’ve always assumed that I was a bit biased in my affection – - but I just had a large extra-sauce pepperoni from them last week while I was up visiting family – - and I’m finally prepared to rule out nostalgia/sentimentality as a significant factor.

I’ve by no means had every pie in NY, but I always eat at every reputable joint I can find when I’m lucky enough to be over there.  I’ve lived in LA for 10 years, and there couldn’t be more than 2 or 3 great pizza joints that I haven’t already sampled extensively here (Zelos’ cornmeal pizza in Monrovia being one of my current faves). . . but I’ve had enough pie in the past few decades to confidently recommend Riverbank to anyone who wants to taste the pinnacle of unpretentious, affordable, delicious “generic American style” pizza.

I eat reasonably healthy these days, I only eat pizza on special occasions, and on those occasions, I’m ordering lighter non-meaty things like pizza Margaretta, or some wacky Californian concoction combining non-standard caramelized veggies and crumbling cheeses.  When I go to Riverbank, I order a good old-fashioned greasy pepperoni with extra sauce, something I wouldn’t dare order from anyone else on this planet – - nobody else has the flavor to make something so simple taste so perfect. . . I’m not going to clog my arteries for anything less than the best.

If you appreciate regional pies of extraordinary quality, you owe it to yourself to make the journey to Riverbank at least once.  Of course it looks very unassuming from the outside.  Of course the interior decor is only what it needs to be to make the locals feel welcomed (though they had some awesome sci-fi/horror memorabilia up on the walls last time I was in). . . don’t go casting judgment until you’re face to face with your first Riverbank pie.

Colusa is not a town you’re likely to be “passing through” (highway 20 and 45 that pass through the town are mainly used for travel between other nearby rural communities, AFAIR) – - but if you find yourself on the I-5 between Sacramento and Chico/Redding, Riverbank is worth the 20 mile due-east detour from the interstate.

And yes, like the other reviewer mentioned, I too crave this pizza daily.  DAILY!

 

- Patrick K.

Well, maybe a sexy-ish term, like what they say about pizza and blow jobs:

This is the best pizza I have ever had in my entire life. I do like other styles of pizza (that are also the best pizzas in my life), but if I had to only pick one favorite, this is it!

 

- Martin S.

Ah, but what is all this sweet work worth:

This place was lousy.  Don’t waste your time or money! People are rude.

- Eric Z.

FILE UNDER: DON’T CALL ME EARNEST, THAT’S A SPICY MEATBALL